WHY IS THE INDIAN MARRIAGE ON FIRE

Globally, Indian Marriages are talked about for the scale of celebrations, ‘The great Indian Wedding’ , arranging or fixing of marriages, and the fact that the marriages last a life time and majority of couples grow old together. However, today the Indian marriage is on Fire. Divorce, that was rare in the Indian society is now not an unusual occurrence that makes one wonder as to what could the reason be. Indian couples are the only ones that probably have to answer the question - Arranged or Love?

The arranged marriage as a concept is facing a lot of criticism particularly from the younger generation who can not imagine pledging your entire life to someone after a single or a few meetings. In the Metro cities as well as  smaller towns, the trend is  now shifting to what is called the love Marriage, which is about self-choice and supposedly equality in relationship . (Though, studies show that 75% marriages in India are still arranged by parents and in the rural society love marriage is largely discouraged).

How are the two modes different?

 Themes in a traditional  Indian marriage vs Love marriage

 ·      Arranged by parents mode of Union as against self-choice

·      Love after Marriage vs Love being the basis of coming together

·      Marriage for Life and the subsequent lives vs wishing to test it in this life

·      Union of two families vs whatever

·      Creating a life of commitment, values and for taking the name of the family forward vs same in principle

·      A couple ‘s duties towards their children and the elders as the guide for conduct vs. individual needs equally relevant and considered in decisions.

 Arranged marriage the only norm earlier

 Marriages were considered to be arranged in heaven and executed on earth. In this union between two families  the rules of conduct were quite rigid and pluralistic. The girl left her house and took up the grooms’ name and their family rules and traditions as her own and her level of integration was judged on the basis of how well she adapted to the new setting. And adapt she did whether she liked it or not because marriages were for life. Conflicts were resolved within the walls of the house and divorce was unheard of … one of the main reasons being that there were too many stakeholders in the relationship. The relationship at times slowly developed into a deep bond of caring and love after marriage and at other times love remained a mystery. Duty , adjustment, compromise were the secrets of the long lasting bond at the expense of Individualisation. It served the purpose of maintaining the integrity of families and providing a stable home and family values to the next generation. It served well for the purpose of stability in society and continued unchallenged for centuries.

Inherent in this system and essential for its survival was perpetrating a strong sense of duty towards others in the family and negating individuation of both the boy and the girl but mostly the girl.

 Chinks in the armour

 Cracks in this family system started appearing with education, empowerment of women, opening up of the economy with greater opportunities in big cities leading to the birth of the nuclear family system  and lately due to the change in demography and attitudes of the younger generation.

 ·      The population has become largely young;

·      Western ideas and societies have become more accessible;

·      Western values of Individual growth and fulfilment  have become more appealing;

·      ambitions have become high amongst both men and women;

·      Young population has become more observant of trends and traditions and do not deter from asking questions and are not willing to settle for clichéd answers,

·      do not think that the older generation had it all sorted,

·      are not averse to taking risks.

 THE CHANGING SOCIETY

 With this change in the younger generations’ outlook the fabric of the society started changing.

 The Evolutionary Theories of social change, based on Darwinian theory of biological change predicts that all societies evolve from their simple forms to more complex forms; from homogeneity to heterogeneity; through the processes of Differentiation and Integration. Without getting into the argument of whether the movement is linear, pendular or cyclical, one can safely presume that all societies and the institutions that make them up undergo changes. And the Indian society is going through that change. It is moving from homogeneity to acceptance of contrary points of view, from accepting to questioning and finding alternative ways of being. As all transitions go, our Indian family system is trying to stagger the old with the new and figure what is right and just.

We as a society are confused and the question that surfaces time and again summing up the dilemma is: “Can right be unjust and can the just be wrong?

THE EVOLVING SOCIETY

 A society starts to shed its old ways due to the slow build up of certain perceptions , attitudes and more behaviours. This change is due to certain factors

 Ø  inherent dynamics of the old system that are seen to be inadequate,  

Ø  external forces that influence the ways of thinking of a large population,

Ø   A revolutionary idea that seems to be the answer  

Ø  or a combination of all three.

 Arranged Marriage

 Inherent dynamics

Traditional Indian marriages have come under attack from the western world and the younger generation in India that looks to the western world for inspiration.The new generation is seeing the chinks in the system.

 ·      There is greater influence of the groom’s family on the couple’s life, suppression of the bride, the idea that an arranged marriage belittles the individuality of the girl as she does not have a say in the decision, it commoditizes the boy and the girl as parents go shopping for bride and groom, high family expectations for the girl, and the fact that duty instead of love is seen to be the binding force amongst the couple.

 ·      Since it is an age old tradition, it is seen as regressive and something that needs to go.

 . The young have seen their parents’ marriages that were largely arranged go through adjustment problems, extended family relationship problems, and a general high on duty- low on fun existence. They associate these problems with the arranged marriage phenomenon that does not peg the bride and groom at equal footing and excludes the right to choose their life partners.

·      The gender roles are seen to be more defined and rigid in arranged marriages and the family system seen to be highly patriarchal as women are not given equal say in household matters.

 ·      Rejection of the arranged marriage system is seen more in women as they see women as the victims in this arrangement.

 ·      The inequality, low premium on love, focus on duty and sacrifice, rigid gender roles are some of the internal dynamics that are the seeds of dissent against this arrangement.

 External forces

 -The penetration and assimilation of  western concepts of Freedom, reversal of gender roles, blowing up of the concept of romantic love by capitalists , value of individuality, self-identity as going beyond family identity, irreverence of institutions and rules makes the young question everything that is traditional and the inability of the older generation to defend the traditions  with logic,  is creating an atmosphere of confusion, experimentation and rejection at a very fast pace. 

 -The same generation that imposed rigid gender roles expectations on women of their generation are more permissive for their daughters and less authoritarian on their sons allowing them to take control of their lives. Women are educated, financially independent, empowered. Men are coming out of the shadow of their parents.

 While this is a welcome change in our society it brings with it problems that the western world has been grappling with for a long time.

 The Revolutionary idea : Love Marriage or stay single

 The idea of finding your own soulmate rather than settling for someone selected by parents appealed to the new generation and to them it seemed like the solution to all the woes.

 Has the shift solved the problems for the young? Now that they are in control of their lives, are they happier?

The progressive young having rejected the idea of settling for an arranged marriage, find themselves faced with another stress, that of finding a partner… trying out several through dating… trying to figure out if the person is right for them, going through the stress of whether the other person will reciprocate their feelings and so on. All this is happening at a time when they are still grappling with their own identities and have not really figured out what this thing called ‘LOVE’ really is. The more they look around, more confused they become. Finally, even when they settle down they are not sure as they have become good at finding faults in the other, more than anything.

 In face of conflict, the reaction is not to resolve it at all costs, the slow and easy way and make things work. They think they probably made a mistake. The level of maturity determines whether the two stay together or give up without giving the marriage a chance to survive. Infidelity is also more common now due to permissiveness in the society, stress, long hours at work among other reasons.

The result is that incidences of divorce, unhappy marriages and extra marital affairs are increasing rapidly.

 The arranged marriage system was probably devised in the olden times keeping the developmental needs and challenges of the young people in mind. If the stress of finding a mate is removed from their challenges they could concentrate on personal and professional development. It also gives the institution of marriage greater value.

The extended family ethos made sure that  a newly married couple learned to navigate the challenges of relationship from the older couples in the family. In face of conflict, the presence of others prevented the conflict from escalating and the elders provided a scaffolding till the couple was well entrenched in their roles and ready to take responsibilities on their own. The Family values, family name was given a high premium and the institutions and traditions were based on achieving that goal. Commitment to a long term relationship was a natural feature of the system that goaded couples to look beyond the follies in each other and embrace the good .

The System has survived till date in the Indian System and globally, India still has the lowest divorce rates. Though, it is steadily increasing.

When the young rejected this system, because it perpetrated the patriarchal attitudes and did not fit in with the empowerment of women, did they throw the baby out with the bath water?The debate will never be put to rest. One stands tall as it aims to correct the earlier mistakes while the old tradition stands for age old wisdom. Nonetheless, continuous engagement and discussion will eventually bring the two together in a way that brings the best aspects of both in practice.

Written by : Gourpriya Saxena

Counselor , psychologist and psychotherapist

 up next: Healthy relationship for successful marriage